#005 - Wife Swap, Go Back to Early Mornings

Television really is the hate source that just keeps on giving. If I’m sitting in my living room on my laptop with the TV switched off, I feel fine. Then one of my housemates will say “can I switch the TV on?” And I’ll be like “yeah, sound,” under the impression that it will be a good idea. Then as soon as it’s turned on and some fucking iPad advert is on or something (how thin does that piece of shit need to be, really?), I’m back to screaming “WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE WORLD?!” at my non-understanding television. It’s actually far from understanding, it thrives off my misery.

And seeing as I’m unemployable to every corporation in the UK and therefore in the house most afternoons, I’m bestowed the masked privilege of watching Wife Swap, but mainly Wife Swap USA. Our British version is just as annoying (mainly the celebrity ones; just shoving celebrities on a program to heighten ratings and to make John McCririck looking even more of a fat, useless, sexist bastard), but as usual, American versions of British shows take it to a whole new level.

I was watching an episode yesterday where one family were all disturbingly-paranoid about the outside world, and the kids weren’t aloud to go outside (and didn’t even want to go outside) because the family was convinced that stepping into the road in their quiet suburban neighbourhood would get them killed. And the other family were barbaric psychopaths, where the kids leapt around the house like monkeys, farted and burped at dinner while receiving congratulations from their dad (who sounded and looked so much like Charlie Sheen it was unreal), and the dad’s entire existence centred around chasing tornados and firing rockets into them.

Now, forgive my cynicism, but I think that Wife Swap has fuck all to do with parenting advice (which a slight hint of may be given during each episode). Doesn’t anyone else see how clear their boring selling point is? Essentially, if you swap the wives of a constantly-paranoid survivalist family and a psychotic, barbaric, tornado-chasing family, chances are they won’t get along. Then each wife subsequently argues constantly with their new husband and tells her new family how stupid their lives are, while conveniently forgetting how stupid her own family is. How deep and meaningful.

I vaguely remember a time when Wife Swap was allocated to a really late-night slot on E4 (I think it used to be anyway). So please, E4, stop playing it at half-eleven in the morning and push it back about ten hours or so if you really feel the need to keep airing it. Thank you.